Jan 19, 2016

I like to hold onto a good grudge when I have one going. There is something so pleasing about revenge fantasies like Braveheart, The Crow, or more recently The Revenant. When I've been harmed, betrayed, torn down, there is a deep desire for justice that overrides almost every other moral dictate in my head and creates a dream of outlaw justice like none other. For those of you who are now concerned about me and have your fingers hovering over 9-1-1 on your phones, rest assured...I do not own lethal weapons and don't work out enough to classify as one myself.
Justice is one of those ingrained feelings, put in us seemingly before we traverse the birth canal. You hear it in the complaint of children who scream “It's not fair!” You see it in the face of coworkers who get frustrated as they watch someone else get the promotion. We not only want our misery to have company, but we also have the dark desire to see others suffer for the injustice. How long is this going to be like this?
But as I dream dark dreams, I realize that the only one truly darkened is me, my heart and soul and mind. While the desire is part of my makeup, and a shadow of the holy order, the demand to control that destiny is where the story takes a turn. It is where we see the character turn ugly, the eyes get soulless and friends begin to wonder what is in the water. But when I release that demand and allow things to take their natural course, I can begin to be whole again. Someone mentioned to me the other day the difference between forgiving someone who is unrepentant and releasing them. To forgive someone who continues to hurt me causes me to become a fool, opening myself up to harm again and again. But releasing them from MY justice, deciding to stop the fantasies playing out in my mind and turn that justice over to someone other than myself is a zone I long to be in. Anger and vengeance only serve to work on me like a cancer from within, keeping me from fully living in the present. Release. Do it now. Save yourself.

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